My Pain
Living has hurt me
Burned me deep
Left scars that will never fade
I find myself shrinking away
I don?t like this pain
I don?t like to hurt
I retreat so far
That I cannot even find me
In the corner to which I have gone
Is dark
So very dark
Dark enough to banish all memories of the light
And in this place
I begin to build
Not a life
Not hope
Not anything good
I build a wall
A wall to keep the world out
To keep myself from anything
The wall is thick
It is high
It is impenetrable
Behind my fortress wall
In an even deeper darkness
All warmth begins to leave me
It is so bitterly cold
I can feel myself freezing
My limbs freeze first
I can no longer move
I can?t stand it
I want to move
But slowly
I stop wanting to
For my heart is slowly freezing
The cold stops it too
It beats no more
It is a heavy frozen mass in my chest
My breathing is becoming more and more labored
So why again am I trying
To keep going
Takes so much
And with every passing day
With every breath
The pain increases
And it makes no sense
Why do I feel pain
How can I
After retreating
After building a protective wall
After being frozen
Heart
Body
And soul
So how can I still feel
Why do I
I don?t want to
Have I numbed so far
Frozen so deep
That the shards of ice that got me to this point
Are now digging into me
Yes
That is it
I have caused my own self destruction
But I don?t know how to stop it
I don?t know how
I need someone
To shoe me the way
To obliterate this destruction
This madness
That is me
That has consumed me
Please someone
Help me
I want out
january 30, 2004