I fear this cold
This chill that spreads from my heart
That freezes my being
And even in the intense noon heat
I shiver
Even so
I do not want the sun to enter me
It will make me vulnerable
It scares me
I want not an ice block in my chest
Nor a burning flame
Neither suits me
But I must choose one
How
Why
My hands
My face
My skin wants to feel the winter wind
Gusts that will chill it
Freeze it
Numb it
Cause it to crave the warmth
The light of the sun
But not so that it will cause the cold to dissipate
The ice must not melt
The eternal winter will beckon a sun to find me
And in the sun's soothing warmth the chill will be forgotten
But not gone
For if winter melts to spring
Than a summer will come
And its heat will cause a fire to burn
A fire that I fear
For I can only escape being burned for so long
Those who play with fire will get burned
But will I
In its scorching caress
I don't crave the ice claws I once embraced
But in the winter I yearn for summer
So why
Why do I want the frozen wind upon my skin
When it will only make me want the desert breeze
I know not
But I must remain in the cold
It is where I belong
It keeps me safe
Secure
I know it
The sun will bring me laughter
But it scares me
I'm afraid to laugh
It will bring me tears
I fear
Too scared to go on
I shall wait here
Exposed to winter's cruel lullaby
And endure
Just waiting
Anticipating
Fearing
The rise in temperature
For it will bring indescribable joy
And indescribable hurt
Why must I burn
Can't I just live
Read books
Learn from them
But no
I know I must enter the fire
And hope to be able to heal
From all the pain
The sorrow
And the happiness
This is where I stand
Lost in an unknown universe
Blind and deaf
I wait
The morning star will dawn
I am fearful
january 25, 2004
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